Warning: This will be a very lengthy and emotional post, but I want to share it all with you. I started a blog for my passion for fashion and to help with my anxiety. On this journey, I have made friends in all of you and thought it wasn’t only right to not only share my highs with you; but also my lows. After all we are all human. If you read through the whole post, I can’t thank you enough. && if you don’t, I still can’t thank you enough for all of your support. Here is my life update.
It’s been over two weeks and I feel as though I can FINALLY write this post. This also would have been 12 weeks in my pregnancy and I felt like now was the time to write it all out, instead of announcing a happy moment, I am sharing my journey. The past month has been so emotionally draining that I have time and time again put a fake smile on to just make it through. I told people I was okay so that I didn’t have to talk. Because talking about it made everything so much more real and so much more painful.
I had a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks pregnant and had to undergo a D&C.
For those who do not know what that is, I will try and describe it the best I can while also telling my story.
A missed miscarriage is when the baby stops growing, but you have no idea, have no bleeding, have no cramping, and still have ALL your pregnancy signs. You don’t miscarry and see your loss, you truly have no idea anything has happened. As far as I knew, I was still pregnant and the baby was progressing as it should have.
Here is my story:
As you all know, we went to Greece this past summer. While we were there, I was feeling sooooo tired and sick, so while my family was out getting breakfast, John and I snuck out to a pharmacy and bought a test. I can’t read Greek so the joke was on us because I had no idea what the directions said or if I was doing it right. Waiting the 3 minutes was the longest wait of my entire life but I saw a faint line pop up, and walked out to John patiently waiting and said “i think we are pregnant” his face was like 😳 haha we didn’t think it would be that easy because of my family’s history of ovarian cysts, fibroids, and endometriosis, but we were so excited. It was so hard to keep it a secret. We wanted to be sure and we wanted it to be special. We would be giving both of our parents their first grandchild and wanted them to be as surprised as we were. We took more tests when we got home and I planned our first appointment.
We got home August 9 and the first available appointment was September 3, our two year anniversary with another doctor in the practice that I currently go to. My doctor wasn’t free until October so I took the opening. I was told we would be doing the blood test and ultrasound that day so if my husband wanted to join he could. We ended up surprising our parents and telling them the weekend of the appointment. Those videos are something we will cherish for the rest of our lives. To see their excitement was something I could never explain.
We got to the appointment and everything was good. HCG levels were 84,000, and that test turned positive so quick! The doctor couldn’t understand why John was there and realized her nurse had given us misinformation about the ultrasound and felt bad that he took off so set us up for an ultrasound two days later. She had warned us that it might still be too early for the heartbeat since I was only 7 weeks and 3 days but said we can see the baby. We planned it for two days later and were so excited! We went to the ultrasound on the 5th and from the beginning the process was just horrible. The tech barely spoke even before the tests, was short with us, and wouldn’t answer unrelated questions to the ultrasound. She finished and told us that she can’t read them and has to have the radiologist look and they will be back in 5 minutes. 15 minutes past and she still hadn’t come back and I had a horrible feeling. 5 minutes later and she was back telling us our doctor was in an appointment and would call us. We didn’t even get to see a picture or anything so I started asking questions and she told me to ask for a cd when I got out front. 35 minutes later the doctor called and said that i measured perfectly at 7w5d and there was no heartbeat and I should come in the next day for a d&c. I didn’t even know what that was but was confused since she told us that it would probably be too early to hear the heartbeat. Through tears I mentioned that and she said come tomorrow for an ultrasound and if not we need to discuss the surgery. She was so cold to me and rude. I said I didn’t understand how she could tell me two days before that all was good and we probably wouldn’t hear a heartbeat and that was okay, but now is telling me it wasn’t. We hung up and I called the office to speak to my doctor. She said the heart beat could be heard at 6w2d and I had a missed miscarriage. I didn’t feel comfortable trusting an office that kept telling me different information. I spoke to my cousin who works for Cornell and we decided it was best to get a second opinion with them. After a week of fighting with my doctors office I finally got my referral letter and set my appointment for my second opinion for 9/18. It was the longest wait of my life, but I kept my faith and kept praying. I was so sick with morning sickness and with anxiety that it was seriously a bad two weeks. I kept the anxiety in and just silently suffered to not worry anyone.
I went to the second opinion appointment and had a totally different experience. The tech was amazing and spoke to us and showed us stuff. But she started asking questions that got me anxious and I knew something was wrong. The doctor came in and sadly told us after my last appointment the baby stopped growing and there was no heartbeat. My world came crashing down. My mom came with us that day and thank God for that because I ran into Johns arms and blurred everyone out. She spoke with the doctor while the world crashed around us. I cried but at the same time was so numb. I couldn’t cry anymore. I never thought this would happen to me. I started to hate myself and blame myself thinking I must have done something wrong. I started to ask myself the craziest questions:
Why couldn’t my body carry a baby?
What did I do wrong?
What did I do to deserve this?
My mom and John kept reassuring me that it wasn’t me, that it just wasn’t our time yet. But I blamed myself and continue to. I booked the D&C for two days later and had the surgery. The doctors who performed it held my hands while they put me under and prayed for me. I can’t thank them enough for their kindness.
The pain is still bad physically and emotionally, so much worse. I mourn the loss of the baby I never got to hold. The one I never got to tell I love you to. The one I never got to see. I mourn would could have been. I mourn and pray about the pain John and I feel and will likely always feel. I feel so empty and like I lost a piece of me in that OR. I feel like I’ll never be the same, but I have faith. I know that when it is our time, and when do have our beautiful baby, we will love it THAT much more. More than words can describe, because we know what the loss and pain feels like and we will never take that for granted.
I know that miscarriages are common. I know that I’m not the only one going through this. I know I’m not alone and there are so many like me out there suffering in silence. But, I want you to know that you are not alone. You are strong. That although this is common, it doesn’t make it any easier and that’s okay.
I remember John telling me years ago that God gives his toughest battles to the strongest people, and that has helped me so much. I pray that the baby is with God, and believe that God needed the baby more than We did. I pray that we have our rainbow baby and that the baby we lost will be with us forever.
I want you to know if you are going through this, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It just wasn’t meant to be. If you every need anyone to talk to that has been through it, please feel free to contact me <3
A message to that sweet baby: we had so many plans for you little one. I know you were only a small little being inside of me, but We loved you more than words could ever express. I wanted to protect you, and care for you. I wanted to love you more than words can even describe. I will always love you. I will always think of you and will never forget you. You gave me strength, you showed me love like I have never felt before, you made me a “mother.” I know I never got to be your mother, but you showed me what loving someone more than myself or even John was. I would have done anything to protect you and I am so sorry I couldn’t. I pray you will always be with us 💖
If you have read this far, I thank you so much. This wasn’t easy to write and I didn’t think I would, but something told me someone else needed this. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to feel lost, and it’s okay to be in pain. Losing a child will never be easy, but just know that strength will come. If you ever go through this and need someone to talk to, I am here. I am open and welcome you with open arms. I will pray with you and for you. Anything you need, I will be here.
This loss does not define us, but only makes us stronger. 💖