Life Update: I had a Missed Miscarriage

Warning: This will be a very lengthy and emotional post, but I want to share it all with you. I started a blog for my passion for fashion and to help with my anxiety. On this journey, I have made friends in all of you and thought it wasn’t only right to not only share my highs with you; but also my lows. After all we are all human. If you read through the whole post, I can’t thank you enough. && if you don’t, I still can’t thank you enough for all of your support. Here is my life update.

It’s been over two weeks and I feel as though I can FINALLY write this post. This also would have been 12 weeks in my pregnancy and I felt like now was the time to write it all out, instead of announcing a happy moment, I am sharing my journey. The past month has been so emotionally draining that I have time and time again put a fake smile on to just make it through. I told people I was okay so that I didn’t have to talk. Because talking about it made everything so much more real and so much more painful.

I had a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks pregnant and had to undergo a D&C.

For those who do not know what that is, I will try and describe it the best I can while also telling my story.

A missed miscarriage is when the baby stops growing, but you have no idea, have no bleeding, have no cramping, and still have ALL your pregnancy signs. You don’t miscarry and see your loss, you truly have no idea anything has happened. As far as I knew, I was still pregnant and the baby was progressing as it should have.

Here is my story:

As you all know, we went to Greece this past summer. While we were there, I was feeling sooooo tired and sick, so while my family was out getting breakfast, John and I snuck out to a pharmacy and bought a test. I can’t read Greek so the joke was on us because I had no idea what the directions said or if I was doing it right. Waiting the 3 minutes was the longest wait of my entire life but I saw a faint line pop up, and walked out to John patiently waiting and said “i think we are pregnant” his face was like 😳 haha we didn’t think it would be that easy because of my family’s history of ovarian cysts, fibroids, and endometriosis, but we were so excited. It was so hard to keep it a secret. We wanted to be sure and we wanted it to be special. We would be giving both of our parents their first grandchild and wanted them to be as surprised as we were. We took more tests when we got home and I planned our first appointment.

We got home August 9 and the first available appointment was September 3, our two year anniversary with another doctor in the practice that I currently go to. My doctor wasn’t free until October so I took the opening. I was told we would be doing the blood test and ultrasound that day so if my husband wanted to join he could. We ended up surprising our parents and telling them the weekend of the appointment. Those videos are something we will cherish for the rest of our lives. To see their excitement was something I could never explain.

We got to the appointment and everything was good. HCG levels were 84,000, and that test turned positive so quick! The doctor couldn’t understand why John was there and realized her nurse had given us misinformation about the ultrasound and felt bad that he took off so set us up for an ultrasound two days later. She had warned us that it might still be too early for the heartbeat since I was only 7 weeks and 3 days but said we can see the baby. We planned it for two days later and were so excited! We went to the ultrasound on the 5th and from the beginning the process was just horrible. The tech barely spoke even before the tests, was short with us, and wouldn’t answer unrelated questions to the ultrasound. She finished and told us that she can’t read them and has to have the radiologist look and they will be back in 5 minutes. 15 minutes past and she still hadn’t come back and I had a horrible feeling. 5 minutes later and she was back telling us our doctor was in an appointment and would call us. We didn’t even get to see a picture or anything so I started asking questions and she told me to ask for a cd when I got out front. 35 minutes later the doctor called and said that i measured perfectly at 7w5d and there was no heartbeat and I should come in the next day for a d&c. I didn’t even know what that was but was confused since she told us that it would probably be too early to hear the heartbeat. Through tears I mentioned that and she said come tomorrow for an ultrasound and if not we need to discuss the surgery. She was so cold to me and rude. I said I didn’t understand how she could tell me two days before that all was good and we probably wouldn’t hear a heartbeat and that was okay, but now is telling me it wasn’t. We hung up and I called the office to speak to my doctor. She said the heart beat could be heard at 6w2d and I had a missed miscarriage. I didn’t feel comfortable trusting an office that kept telling me different information. I spoke to my cousin who works for Cornell and we decided it was best to get a second opinion with them. After a week of fighting with my doctors office I finally got my referral letter and set my appointment for my second opinion for 9/18. It was the longest wait of my life, but I kept my faith and kept praying. I was so sick with morning sickness and with anxiety that it was seriously a bad two weeks. I kept the anxiety in and just silently suffered to not worry anyone.

I went to the second opinion appointment and had a totally different experience. The tech was amazing and spoke to us and showed us stuff. But she started asking questions that got me anxious and I knew something was wrong. The doctor came in and sadly told us after my last appointment the baby stopped growing and there was no heartbeat. My world came crashing down. My mom came with us that day and thank God for that because I ran into Johns arms and blurred everyone out. She spoke with the doctor while the world crashed around us. I cried but at the same time was so numb. I couldn’t cry anymore. I never thought this would happen to me. I started to hate myself and blame myself thinking I must have done something wrong. I started to ask myself the craziest questions:

Why couldn’t my body carry a baby?

What did I do wrong?

Why me?

What did I do to deserve this?

My mom and John kept reassuring me that it wasn’t me, that it just wasn’t our time yet. But I blamed myself and continue to. I booked the D&C for two days later and had the surgery. The doctors who performed it held my hands while they put me under and prayed for me. I can’t thank them enough for their kindness.

The pain is still bad physically and emotionally, so much worse. I mourn the loss of the baby I never got to hold. The one I never got to tell I love you to. The one I never got to see. I mourn would could have been. I mourn and pray about the pain John and I feel and will likely always feel. I feel so empty and like I lost a piece of me in that OR. I feel like I’ll never be the same, but I have faith. I know that when it is our time, and when do have our beautiful baby, we will love it THAT much more. More than words can describe, because we know what the loss and pain feels like and we will never take that for granted.

I know that miscarriages are common. I know that I’m not the only one going through this. I know I’m not alone and there are so many like me out there suffering in silence. But, I want you to know that you are not alone. You are strong. That although this is common, it doesn’t make it any easier and that’s okay.

I remember John telling me years ago that God gives his toughest battles to the strongest people, and that has helped me so much. I pray that the baby is with God, and believe that God needed the baby more than We did. I pray that we have our rainbow baby and that the baby we lost will be with us forever.

I want you to know if you are going through this, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It just wasn’t meant to be. If you every need anyone to talk to that has been through it, please feel free to contact me <3

A message to that sweet baby: we had so many plans for you little one. I know you were only a small little being inside of me, but We loved you more than words could ever express. I wanted to protect you, and care for you. I wanted to love you more than words can even describe. I will always love you. I will always think of you and will never forget you. You gave me strength, you showed me love like I have never felt before, you made me a “mother.” I know I never got to be your mother, but you showed me what loving someone more than myself or even John was. I would have done anything to protect you and I am so sorry I couldn’t. I pray you will always be with us 💖

If you have read this far, I thank you so much. This wasn’t easy to write and I didn’t think I would, but something told me someone else needed this. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to feel lost, and it’s okay to be in pain. Losing a child will never be easy, but just know that strength will come. If you ever go through this and need someone to talk to, I am here. I am open and welcome you with open arms. I will pray with you and for you. Anything you need, I will be here.

This loss does not define us, but only makes us stronger. 💖

Weight Watcher FreeStyle Meal Plan

Hi loves!

I figured I would share an example of my meal plan with you guys since so many people have been asking how I like Weight Watchers. This post is NOT sponsored in anyway. I just needed a change and found it in Weight Watchers where I can truly eat and drink what I want and still legit lose weight.

I will try to do these weekly, but for now wanted to share a few days worth of my meal plan to give you guys an idea. I try to plan a 1/2 of a week or the whole week as best I can without using any of my weeklies and then can change things around as needed.

To start, you can sign up and type in your current weight and your goal weight. Based off that information, they will give you daily freestyle points and weekly points that can be used at any time of the week. My weigh in days are on Tuesdays, so my weeklies reset at that time. I get 23 daily points and 35 weekly points, and believe me I don’t always use them. If I have something planned for the weekend then I usually use all my weeklies, but I don’t always use all of my daily points. The FreeStyle plan has so many zero point options that you can get full from that sometimes I don’t eat anywhere close to my 23 daily points.

Some ZERO POINT options are:

Veggies – Zuchinni, Lettuce, Tomatoes, Peppers, Onions, Squash, Butternut Squash, Spinach, Arugula, Asparagus, Brussel Sprouts, etc

Meats/Poultry – Chicken Breast, Turkey Breast (99% Lean), Lump Crab Meat, Shrimp, Mahi Mahi, Salmon, etc.

Fruits – Bananas, Apples, Watermelon, Pineapple, Berries, Cherries, etc.

Others – Eggs/Egg Whites, Beans, Chickpeas, Coffee (Black), Dates, Lentils, Pumpkin Puree, etc.

Monday’s Meal Plan:

Breakfast

This is like one of my all time favorites breakfasts, and it is only 5 points in all. && all while enjoying my coffee with some creamer. All this goodness was 5 pts.

Lunch


(WW Half Wrap)

The meal details shows what my WW Half Wrap is made up of. This isn’t a Weight Watcher recipe it’s just a favorite that I made and saved quick add ins since I prepped a few for the week. I am having it with a small caesar salad on the side and if I am still hungry I will have some butternut squash spirals (0 pts) in the airfryer made like french fries, as a snack. I always find 0 pt foods to have on hand if something isn’t filling enough. This whole meal was 5 pts.

Dinner

I was really craving pasta, so I knew I had to have it for dinner. I used Banza pasta which is made out of chickpeas. It’s less points and better for you so it’s a win in my book. I topped it with some airfried chicken cutlets (1 pt due to the amount of bread crumbs I used), some fat free mozzarella, some zucchini that I made in the oven, and Trader Joe’s Harvest Pasta Sauce which is actually really good. I had some spinach left so I sautéed some up using Trader Joe’s oil spray (0 pts) and some garlic. Made for the perfect dinner for a total of 8 pts!

Snacks

I also had some chocolate graham crackers as a snack. They are delicious and just something sweet to have in your diet. My snacks for the day depend on what I am in the mood for. Snacks totaled for 4 pts.

Total points for the day were 22! Since I did not use the full 23, the 1 point rolls into my weeklies to be used for the week. You can roll up to 4 daily points into your weeklies.


Tuesday’s Meal Plan:

Breakfast

This oatmeal is AMAZING. If you are a pumpkin lover like me, then you need this in your life while it is still available. This flavor is limited edition, so it will only be available for short time. When I first opened the pack I thought it was such a small amount, but it is very filling. You could also make this into an overnight oats meal and mix it with almond milk and some fruit. It would be so good! I also made myself a large coffee to go before my meeting so I basically had like 2 cups of coffee in one and needed some more sweetener. Due to my excessive sweetener, breakfast was a total of 5 pts.

Lunch

I have literally been DREAMING about this since I saw a picture of someone’s sandwich on instagram. I know, so weird, who dreams of an egg salad sandwich?! I used to have it all the time growing up, and it brings back so many memories of sitting around the table eating it with my parents. We are so close and I go home like twice a week or more to spend time with them but its not the same as living with them. Funny story, John and I lived with them for over a year while we planned our wedding and looked for a house. I cherish that time so much and miss living with them! Anyway, I added in some turkey bacon and it was perfect. Lunch was a total of 6 pts and was very filling.

Dinner

I was hoping to find the lightly breaded popcorn chicken which is 3oz for 3 pts but no such luck. Anyway, I threw together this meal in no time and it was delicious. Dinner was a total of 5 pts.

Snacks

No major change, I like my snacks 🙂 4 pts for my snacks today!


I figured I would just share a few options and to show you I still eat real things. I will do more posts like this but wanted to share a quick idea with you guys so if you are looking to start, you have an idea of what to eat.


XO,

Nina

Faster Way to Fatloss (FWTFL) Week 1 Meal Plan Ideas

Shop the outfit HERE

Happy Thursday guys!

I finally had the chance to sit down and get my little food blog together for you guys. I have been getting so many questions about the program and what I am eating so I figured I would show you a few of my days from week 1 and give you a little background. All I can say is, FWTFL has definitely changed my life.

Day 1 & Day 2 (Monday & Tuesday) when you first start are low carb days. This means you increase your fat intake and decrease your carbs to under 50g. It sounds hard, but you will find things you like that will help you stay under this number!

Lunch, Dinner & Snack, Day 1 & 2:

For lunch I had 1 cup of Cauliflower Gnocchi from Trader Joe’s (SO GOOD), 1 Mild Sausage link form Wegmans, and 1 cup of brussel sprouts, 1 tbsp of olive oil, and a 1/2 of an avocado.

For dinner I had 3/4 cup of riced cauliflower sauteed, 2 cups of baby arugula, 1/4 cup red kidney beans, 1/4 cup black beans, 3oz tri tip steak, 1/2 of an avocado, 1 tbs red wine vinegar, and 1 tbsp olive oil for cooking & 1 tbsp of olive oil for dressing. It was delicious!

For a snack I had a homemade pancake that consisted of 1/2 scoop protein powder, 1 large egg, and topped with some peanut butter cooked in 1 tbsp coconut oil.

In order to make it easier in my first week, I decided to eat the same thing the first two days to get used to it. It actually really helped. I also ate as best I could with the macros in my prep week to prepare!

Day 3 & 4 (Wednesday and Thursday) are your regular macro days. That means whatever your carbs, fats, and proteins are in the app, you eat it all! For example my macros are: 195g carb, 52g fat, and 78g protein, & believe me it is a lot!

Lunch, Dinner & Snack, Day 3 & 4:

For lunch I had 159g of Fried Rice from Trader Joe’s (SO GOOD), 1 cup roasted brussell sprouts, 1.5 tbp of oil used for cooking, and 1 Mahi Mahi Burger from Trader Joe’s.

For dinner I went with Chicken Breast Nuggets, another trader favorite, and penne pasta with everything bagel flavoring on it. I had regular pasta without realizing we should be staying gluten free so I switched it out for gluten free pasta the next day.

For a snack, I had 1.5oz Roasted Plantain Chips and a 1/2 banana with protein powder and water shake!

Day 5 (Friday) is a low macro day. This means you eat 25% less of each macro. For lunch I had the same arugula and bean salad as day 1 & 2 and for dinner I had the same lunch as the day before just smaller portions with plantain chips as a snack again.

Day 6 (Saturday) is back to a regular macro day & Day 7 (Sunday) is back to a low macro day.

Here are two more things I made that I have some pictures of:

Honestly, thank god for the prep week. It really helped me prepare for the different days and helped me learn about the program. I am in week three and still eating most of the same stuff but found new items I am loving and will share with you soon. I have not weighed myself, but I have lost about 4.5-5 inches in all so far.

If you would like to read more about the plan, you can read more HERE.

As always, I am an open book! If you have any questions, shoot me a comment or DM!

XOXO,

Nina

Goodies & Treats (Recipes)

Similar dog onesies here & here

Happy November Everyone!

A lot of you responded to my stories in regards to the goodies I was baking/cooking asking for some recipes. So I thought it would be cute to put all details together and give you some background on why we do it. This post will be a long one with all the recipes so please bare with me!

It has been a long lasting tradition for my mom, my aunt, my sister, and I to bake some goodies at my grandparents house and deliver them to family and friends on Mischief Night. When we were really young, my aunt would surprise us and bring us some candy and write “BOO” on our front steps. This was something we looked forward to each year and couldn’t wait for it. So when we got to be a little older, we asked her if we could join in and we started baking goodies to give out instead of some candy. We bake for 2-3 days and make our rounds to friends and family. Our list of stops grows each year and the items we bake get more and more complex, but we love it so much. It has been our tradition for over 7 years, and I can’t wait until I have kids that can do it with us. We then deliver the goodies on Mischief Night and write “BOO” on their front walkway. Everyone looks forward to it each year and we do too! My sister and I dress up in onesies and so the drop off, it’s so much fun!

This year we decided to be a little different, and each year we truly do get a little more complex and crazier. We usually bake a bunch of cookies or halloween goodies, but we switched it up a bit. We baked and cooked Butternut Squash Soup, Homemade Bread, Pumpkin Whoopie Pies, Spiced Pumpkin Seed Brittle, Vanilla Scones, Christmas Jam, Caramel Apples with peanuts, and NY Style Crumb Cake. We also look forward to hearing everyones favorites and depending on their tastes, we hear all different ones. My personal favorites was the jam and the soup. I ate a half a jar of jam all by myself on Monday because it was THAT good.

I will share all of the original recipes, and changes that we made below:

  1. Butternut Squash & Apple Soup – My mom & aunt are huge Ina Garten fans, so we always make some of her recipes. We made some change to her recipe so I will list ours here as well.img_0846.jpg
  2. Honey White Bread – this is another Ina Garten recipe & it’s delicious! We have made homemade plain bread before but wanted to try something a little different so decided to give this a try. I had some with my soup for lunch yesterday and it was out of this world! We followed the recipe exactly except for the fact that we used LIVE yeast and we were making 12 small loaves, so we doubled the recipe. When using live yeast, make sure the water and milk are hot and at the temperature stated in the recipe. We used a candy thermometer and took the temperature of both the water and the milk.
  3. Pumpkin Whoopie Pies– We didn’t change a thing with these. There was a lot of the cream left over and we saved it for a sweet treat on bread.. delicious!
  4. Spiced Pumpkin Seed Brittle– We added in sunflower seeds. It was soooo good!
  5. Vanilla Scones – We didn’t change anything but let me just tell you, these were a huge hit! They taste similar to the Starbucks scones. They taste even better with some jam!
  6. Christmas Jam – When I tell you this is the best Jam I have ever had… I kid you not. I ate half a jar the alone the day we made it. It tastes good on bread, on crackers, on everything. It is to die for!! We ended up adding a bunch of strawberries to this recipe because we wanted more strawberry. I would suggest grinding the cranberry and strawberry and seeing what you need more of.
  7. Caramel Apple – So we changed this up a bit, we had 12 mini granny smith apples so we used about 28oz of caramel (2.5 -11 oz bags), 3 cup of peanuts that we ground up, and instead of lollipop sticks we used witches brooms from walmart. They came out so delicious and good!
  • 8. NY Style Crumb Cake –
  • Let me know if you make any and how it comes out !

Overnight Oats & Fitness Update

This post will be a little fitness update as well as one of my go-to breakfast meals, Overnight Oats. I am currently doing 80 Day Obsession (beachbody program) and it is all about timed nutrition and fueling your body at the right times. As a part of the program they say you should be eating a hearty meal 1 hour prior to working out. I workout everyday at 6am due to my work schedule which means I have to eat at 5am. I obviously do not want to get up and cook something so I have been doing overnight oats and loving it.

Ingredients: 

4 oz Almond Milk

1/2 frozen banana

1/4 cup frozen blueberries

1/2 cup old fashioned oats

1 tsp cinnamon

1 scoop Protein Powder

I make a smaller portion for myself since I am eating so early so you can obviously increase the ingredients based on how you want it. I usually also put almond butter in there but didn’t want to today. I put all the ingredients in and mix them together. I use a frozen banana because I found that when it thaws out overnight, it gives the oats a really good taste. The banana will obviously turn brown by the morning time, but it gives it a really sweet flavor. I sometimes do blueberries and strawberries or other fruit, it just depends what kind of mood I am in. If I am not using any fruit I usually put about a tsp of honey to make it a little sweeter.

I then mix everything together and just put it in the fridge until the next morning. I mix it all together again before I eat it, and it tastes amazing. I use the cinnamon in the morning to top it off. See below for the next day:

ENJOY!

Fitness Update:

So, as I mentioned above, I am doing the 80 Day Obsession by Beach Body. I am on day 11 and loving it! I started doing BBG for the 3 weeks between The Max Challenge and 80 Day Obsession and I didn’t feel challenged enough, and I also wanted something with a set meal plan to follow. There were food ideas but no meal plan and I found myself starting to stray, eat unhealthy, and start to gain a little weight back. I am the type of person who needs consistency and a good plan to follow. Nothing against BBG at all. Once I get to the weight I want to be I will do BBG for maintenance and to maybe gain more muscle.

80 Day Obsession is similar to 21 Day Fix with measuring your food in the given containers and following a set meal plan, except it is much longer. I contemplated doing the 21 Day Fix since I only have about a month until Miami and I want to get more toned, but decided to do a longer program to keep myself accountable.

I am absolutely loving it so far. I find the workouts extremely challenging but in a good way. I look forward to that 6am workout and truly give it my all. I can’t wait to see what the remaining 69 days are like. For me even though I will be going away for a Bachelorette Party, to Miami, and will be in a wedding during the 80 days, I was excited to know that this would end right around the time I go to Aruba and gave me a reason to keep pushing play! I will keep you all updated as it progresses and give updates through the multiple phases of the program. I have not stayed 100% strict. I would say about 95%, but that is what I need in order to stay on a program and be happy!
What keeps you motivated? What workout program are you currently doing? Let me know in the comments below.

Nina (2)

Spring Athletic Wear

Best Spring Fitness Clothing

 

Item Details (click images for direct links):

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Floral patterns and pastels are my favorite colors for spring time. Not only do I tend to focus on those colors for my everyday clothing, but I also do with my active wear. I love the way the colors and prints look when the weather gets warm! I always tend to also go for army green. It matches with most colors and patterns and looks good on!

I just ordered myself the White floral set and the pink cropped workout top. I think they are adorable and needed them in my closet.

 

What is a must have active wear piece for your closet?

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